From “No Way” to “Okay”: How We Helped Our Older Child Accept a New Sibling

“No!”

That’s Jere’s, our two-year-old son’s, answer whenever we asked him if he wanted a new brother or sister.

For firstborn children like Jere, it’s pretty common to be reluctant to the idea of having a younger sibling. This resistance usually manifests as anxiety, behavioural changes, or jealousy.

“It is totally normal for children to engage in regressive behaviours when a new baby arrives,” explained clinical psychologist Kristin Carothers, PhD.

“It’s children’s way of making sure their parents are aware that they still need them and it helps them to get the attention they crave,” added Carothers, PhD.

According to a University of Michigan study, a firstborn child’s jealousy is often exhibited through anger, sadness, and aggression toward the mum and/or sibling.

How are we going to turn this reluctance into a positive response, knowing Jere can be quite territorial and doesn’t adapt to changes quickly? How are we going to ensure he doesn’t develop feelings of jealousy or resentment toward the newest member of our family?

Talking to an Older Child About the Arrival of a New Sibling: How Can It Make a Difference?

Jere's too young to understand everything that's going on, which is why the first thing we’ve been doing to help him with the transition is simple: talk to him about it and involve him every step of the way.

“Don’t wait too long to tell your child,” advised clinical psychologist Mandi Silverman, PsyD.

Knowing Jere, we knew we had to involve him heavily from the very start to make the transition as smooth as possible for him.

So, we ensured he was there when we found out we were pregnant with our second child.

Silverman, PsyD noted, “The key thing here is that parents need to indicate that this is a positive thing for a family.”

It’s crucial for us to show Jere that this is an exciting time for our family, and having him with us during that momentous occasion was only the start.

Since then, we’ve been talking to Jere constantly about a new baby coming and becoming part of our family.

4 Key Benefits of Talking to an Older Child About the Arrival of a New Sibling

Reduces Anxiety and Confusion

Our conversations with Jere about having a new sibling will help prevent him from being anxious and ease the transition for him.

We need to ensure Jere he’s not being and he’ll never be replaced, and this new addition to our family is a blessing for all of us.

So, we see to it that Jere knows he’s loved and he’ll be loved just the same after the baby is born.

Fosters Empathy

We talk to Jere about the new baby as a person with their own thoughts and feelings.

This approach helps older siblings around Jere’s age to see the baby as “real”, eventually developing empathy for their new sibling.

Over time, we’ve seen Jere’s attitude shift.

As the baby grew in Anna’s womb, we’d ask Jere what’s in mummy’s belly, and he’d say, “Baby!”

This response is a clear acknowledgement from Jere that a human being is growing in Anna’s womb.

Promotes Inclusion

Part of our conversations with Jere is involving him in the process as much as we can.

Throughout the pregnancy, Jere has observed and participated in small ways–– from opening the toilet lid for Anna during her morning sickness in the early stages of her pregnancy to helping us shop for new baby essentials.

Eventually, Jere’s firm “no” turned into wanting a brother. Then, he wanted a sister. Toward the end of the pregnancy, he's back to wanting a brother.

Develops Sibling Bond

“Before (the) baby has even arrived, it is a good idea to help siblings to start ‘bonding’ with your baby bump,” advised Claire Burgess, a family consultant from Bespoke Family.

As we constantly talked to Jere and involved him in our preparations, he eventually began showing affection for the baby by kissing and hugging Anna's belly.

Having Jere form a kind of “bond” with Anna’s baby bump is a good start for this significant change our family is about to go through.

The Bottomline

This slow appreciation for having a new sibling is part of Jere's personality, much like Gabes, who also needs time to adjust to changes.

Witnessing Jere's transformation from resistance to acceptance has been a heartwarming part of this journey, and we believe our efforts were crucial in this shift.

Our ongoing conversations with Jere and his growing involvement have laid a strong foundation for his relationship with his younger sibling.

However, these things won't stop once the newborn baby is here. We'll continue talking to Jere, preparing him mentally and emotionally for his new role as a big brother.

As we continue to support and guide Jere, we look forward to the beautiful bond that will blossom between our children.

If you have more than one kid, how did you talk to your older children about having a new sibling? We’d love to learn from your experiences, so feel free to leave a comment below!

Read here to find out what else we are doing to prepare our firstborn to be a big brother to our new baby.

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