How Husbands Can Support Their Wives as Working Moms Balancing Work and Home Life
In our previous blog, “Women at Work and Home: The Struggle of Modern Women”, we discussed the complex struggle of modern women, particularly workin' moms, to balance work and family life.
While we're united in navigating our childbearing years and raising young children, Gabes has grown to truly understand that Anna, as a full-time working mother, has a uniquely different experience.
The responsibilities are physically, emotionally, and mentally more taxing on Anna than on Gabes.
Gabes has definitely gained a better appreciation of women's experience of urban motherhood, so he's doing his best to step up and give Anna all the support he can give her.
Below are a few ways Gabes tries to help ease Anna's burdens as she constantly balances her work and home life as one of today's workin' moms.
Empathise
In the initial stages of the journey into parenthood, Gabes failed to grasp the actual toll it took on Anna.
He would dismiss her and become defensive whenever she attempted to express her struggles.
Gabes' defensiveness stemmed from feeling inadequate despite his efforts to support Anna fully.
What he eventually came to realise was that Anna needed more emotional support in those moments.
She wasn't criticising his efforts but expressing her challenges, and seeking empathy and understanding.
It's all about Anna communicating her emotions, not Gabes lacking.
Now, Gabes aims to listen more, ask questions, and let Anna vent, regardless of his feelings.
Overcoming this sense of inadequacy can be difficult for some husbands. But it's crucial to recognise that workin' moms like Anna don't intend to make their partners feel that way.
Break Gender Stereotypes
“When it comes to the home front, traditional values dominate.”
Many household tasks fall along typical gendered lines.
“When it comes to the home front, traditional values dominate,” says Claire Cain Miller, a New York Times correspondent who writes about gender, families, and the future of work.
But in this modern age, that doesn’t always have to be the case.
Gabes can do more household chores, such as cleaning and washing dishes.
In the process, we can teach our son to participate in household chores and caregiving duties, especially now that our new child is on the way.
We can cultivate a mindset of shared responsibilities within our household by raising our kids to engage in household chores regardless of gender.
As a family, we’ll strive to support each other, rather than conform to gender roles.
Establish Boundaries
It won’t be easy for Anna to stop worrying about things at home because that’s almost second nature to her as a mother.
Anna responding to every one of Jere’s grumbles would only leave her burned out.
To help her, Gabes can set boundaries for Anna and encourage her to learn how to say “no,” even to Jere’s whims at times.
Gabes’ constant reminder about the importance of taking breaks and prioritising self-care will be valuable for Anna and her well-being.
Spend Quality Time With The Kids
Anna and Jere's relationship is fascinating. Their love and connection were immediate!
Kids have a natural bond with their mothers because, as author Katherine Harmon explains in a Scientific American article, "For the first nine months of development, a fetus gets just about everything else from its mother."
So, it’s their first instinct to constantly call for their moms when they’re sick, wounded, crying, or hungry.
Meanwhile, Gabes finds himself needing to exert considerable effort to garner any attention from his son.
It can be tempting for dads to simply acknowledge the strength of the kids' bond with their moms and take a back seat.
However, no matter how sweet the bond between Anna and Jere is, it can be draining for Anna when Jere exclusively relies on her for everything he needs.
So, Gabes is committed to actively strengthening his relationship with Jere to provide Anna with moments of peace.
And that’s only possible by spending quality time.
Gabes plans to spend more alone time with Jere, and these moments must be fun and engaging. That’s why he knows he has to be intentional and mindful of two things.
Avoid Passive Activities
Simply walking with Jere while his pram faces forward is not ideal!
It's not spending quality time but merely a temporary distraction from Anna.
We need interactive activities like playing games together. For example, we've recently started solving puzzles, a fun problem-solving activity we can enjoy together. We also play football, as Jere has grown to love kicking around the house.
Avoid Inviting Other People
In the early stages, Gabes invited his sisters to hang out with Jere or visit his mom.
However, this often resulted in his sisters playing with Jere. So, they missed valuable quality time together as father and son.
Now, Gabes prioritises spending time alone with Jere to focus on building their bond.
Developing a meaningful father-child relationship may take some time and patience, but it’d help create a balanced caregiving dynamic within the household.
Anticipate Needs at Home
Gabes used to tell Anna, "Just let me know what needs doing, and I'll take care of it."
Although he intended to assist her, his approach was somewhat passive. He simply wanted Anna to give him a task that he could complete and then go on to continue his day.
Gabes' attempts to help often led to frustration instead of gratitude.
Sometimes, Anna would respond irritably or simply say, "Nothing."
Gabes couldn’t comprehend the apparent rudeness or why Anna couldn't articulate her needs.
However, when he discussed this with a friend who's further along in the parenting journey with two kids, Gabes was told, "How do you expect Anna, who's exhausted and feels overwhelmed, to give you an answer? She might not even know where to start."
That was a light bulb moment for Gabes, realising the micro-decisions Anna has to make daily can accumulate and eventually overwhelm her. So, he now understands he has to take initiative.
He began by tackling tasks proactively, doing them well, and moving on to the next.
He also started paying closer attention to Anna's cues, stepping in to help whenever she groans or shows signs of needing assistance.
Evict Workin' Moms From the Environment
“I’ve let go of many other habits and things I used to enjoy. I eat out less. I travel less. I see my friends less.”
When Anna had Jere, it became evident that she stopped doing things she loved. The lack of activities that rejuvenate her added to her exhaustion.
Many stay-at-home and workin' moms experience this.
Rachel Norman, BA, MS explained in a blog post entitled, "Why Moms Lose Their Identity and How To Get It Back" that since becoming a mother, "I’ve let go of many other habits and things I used to enjoy. I eat out less. I travel less. I see my friends less."
Anna enjoys exploring, eating, and engaging in meaningful conversations with friends.
We occasionally encourage Anna to spend time outside the house to support her and ensure she doesn’t lose herself in the process of parenting.
Gabes and Jere have a boys' day out while Anna catches up with friends.
This allows Anna to return home refreshed and recharged.
Embrace the Long Route Over Convenience
When Jere starts crying or having a toddler moment, the fastest and most effective way to get him to stop crying is to pass him to Anna. But what do you do when your wife is tired?
Anna can’t always be the answer to Jere’s outburst, especially when he wakes up at night.
When Jere gets up in the middle of the night and needs to be settled back to bed, it takes Anna roughly 15 minutes.
Meanwhile, Gabes takes over an hour. The first 30 minutes alone are spent calming Jere down because he's looking for his mom.
It would be easy to wake Anna up every time. But those constant interruptions, even if they only last for 15 to 20 minutes a night, would exhaust her.
To ensure Anna’s well-rested, Gabes is committed to sharing the load by attending to Jere when he wakes up in the middle of the night, even if it takes an hour or more.
Rest and Count on Your Support System
Gabes understands that having the support he needs as a dad and making time for leisure is crucial.
His sisters have always been an incredible source of emotional and physical support. They're always there to lend a helping hand or a listening ear.
Similarly, Gabes' friends have provided invaluable emotional support, offering encouragement and understanding when he needs it the most.
One thing he found particularly beneficial is dedicating time to the gym. It's become more than just a workout routine.
Gabes doing what he enjoys, such as working out, is more than just about physical fitness. It's his way to take a mental break from the stresses of daily life, allowing him to focus on himself and recharge.
Conduct Regular Check-ins
“Communicating with your parenting partner also includes the ability to actively listen and create a safe space for the other person to express their needs and concerns.”
At the end of the day, constant and honest communication is vital to ensure workin' moms and dads are doing well, especially given the daunting task of parenthood.
Working mothers and fathers have to check in regularly with each other to gauge whether they feel overwhelmed or stressed.
Creating an open and supportive dialogue allows both partners to share their feelings, concerns, and needs.
“Communicating with your parenting partner also includes the ability to actively listen and create a safe space for the other person to express their needs and concerns,” says licensed professional counselor Z. Andrew Jatau, LPC.
By actively listening and offering assistance, Gabes can provide valuable support to Anna, and vice versa.
The Bottomline
From our experience and observation, women of today, especially workin' moms, definitely struggle to balance their careers and family lives.
Juggling responsibilities at work and home can be overwhelming for most, if not all, workin' moms.
And there’s a way for husbands to step in, help bear the load, and support working mothers physically, emotionally, and mentally.
Drawing from our personal experiences, husbands can show support by spending more quality time with the kids, ensuring an equitable division of labour at home, and, more importantly, checking in on and communicating with the workin' moms of their households.
This Women’s History Month, we hope this blog illuminates the struggles of modern women, specifically workin' moms, and helps us all become more supportive of the women in our lives.
How else do you think husbands can show their support to the workin' moms in their households? What steps do you take to help make life easier for the working mothers at your homes?
We’d love to hear from you, so don’t hesitate to leave us a comment below.
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