A 2019 study in the UK revealed that about 20% of couples break up within a year of having a new baby.

The failure of a relationship after welcoming a newborn can be attributed to several factors, the major one of which is sleep deprivation.

We couldn't be any happier about having our second son, Kay, via a successful vaginal birth after a previous C-section (VBAC) at home.

However, the excitement we've felt has now started to wear off, and the effects of sleep deprivation as we care for our new baby are beginning to kick in.

We don't think couples who split up after having a new baby openly acknowledge the role sleep deprivation plays in their breakup.

But in a union with babies and toddlers, recognising the effects of sleepless nights is crucial in navigating relationship challenges.

When Gabes suffers from a lack of sleep, he gets short-tempered and retreats. Meanwhile, Anna can get snappy and say some hurtful words.

With this awareness, we can find ways to prevent our marriage from crumbling.

5 Ways We're Protecting Our Marriage While Caring for a New Baby

Biting Our Tongue

During this time of our lives, it's easy to let exhaustion and frustration take control.

When sleep-deprived while caring for a new baby, we usually have difficulty concentrating. So, we could become quick to anger or say words we haven't thought about carefully.

During the newborn stage of our firstborn, Jere, blurting out hurtful words was one of the major problems that really strained our relationship.

We've learned that once hurtful words are said out loud, we can't take them back. We could forget about them but the impact can linger.

We both know that Anna has it harder during nighttime because she's caring for Kay, who often wakes up every hour and has become increasingly dependent on her.

Meanwhile, Gabes looks after Jere, who doesn't wake up in the middle of the night as much as Kay.

When Anna hasn't had sufficient sleep, she can say mean things to Gabes, who, on the other hand, could retaliate.

Knowing these things, we now try harder to become more mindful about how we react to situations and each other.

Anna is keen on exercising self-control, delaying her responses to give herself time to think her thoughts through. By pausing, she's able to transform negative thoughts into positive ones.

Instead of feeling resentful toward Gabes for having uninterrupted sleep, she reminds herself that he's exerting much effort in caring for Jere during the day.

By communicating with each other with mutual respect and understanding, we can maintain a supportive environment, which is crucial amid the challenges of caring for our new baby.

Giving Grace

While we're both doing our best to bite our tongue, we still slip up sometimes and say things we regret.

When one of us slips up, the last thing we want to do is add fuel to the fire and make things worse.

So, during this season of our lives, one of the most powerful tools we've embraced is giving grace to each other. This means choosing not to be offended by each other's actions and words, and refraining from retaliating, even when tensions run high.

Being graceful to each other isn't about letting anything go unchecked. Rather, it's about understanding we aren't intentionally being hostile toward each other; we are simply tired and lack a good night's sleep. It's about showing compassion, knowing we're both struggling.

With abounding grace in our marriage, we can maintain peace amid the stressful days in our household and face our challenges as one team.

Increasing Appreciation and Affirmation

It's important to note we're not only caring for a new baby. We also have a toddler to look after. With all these things on our plate, showing appreciation to each other can easily fall by the wayside.

Although we seem to be showing appreciation to each other daily, we find the need to intentionally increase the expression of gratitude and affirmation in our relationship during this tough season.

Intently doing this helps us avoid making negative remarks and lighten the load for each other.

Even the smallest gestures, such as saying, "Thank you for everything," can go a long way in making each other feel seen and reducing the tension at home.

Establishing Routines for Our Newborn

As routine-oriented individuals, we've learned that routines significantly improve our sleep and overall well-being.

So, it's vital for us to get our children into routines at a very young age.

Establishing a routine for Kay is also an effective strategy to combat being sleep-deprived and protect our marriage during this phase.

We started creating a structure for Jere when he was six weeks old and it was a success. So, we've been doing the same thing for Kay since his sixth week, even if people generally advise waiting until the eighth week to establish a routine for newborns.

We're employing a popular approach known as the "EASY" method, which proved to be effective for Jere. It stands for Eat, Activity, Sleep, and "You" Time, which represents the sequence of activities in the routine.

With this method, we follow a three-hour cycle that's repeated throughout the day to create a predictable pattern for our new baby while allowing some personal time for ourselves.

The cycle involves feeding our baby, engaging him in gentle play or interaction, making him fall asleep, and taking time for ourselves while our baby sleeps.

The EASY method helps all of us. When our baby sleeps, Anna sleeps as well and can even enjoy quality sleep.

With sufficient sleep and quality rest, we as parents can better handle the demands of parenting and mitigate stress in our household.

For other parents looking to establish a similar routine for their children, we recommend starting with understanding your baby’s wake windows and consistently following the EASY methodology.

Embracing Vulnerability

It's not easy admitting things are tough and accepting help from others, but it can significantly ease the burden we're carrying.

When people ask how things are going, Anna tends to say everything's okay, even if it's clearly not.

Gabes reminds Anna that it's okay to admit that we're having difficulties and accept or ask for help.

Opening up about our struggles, particularly to our closest circles, allows others to offer support.

Although Anna still finds it difficult to admit she's struggling sometimes, she has realised over time that being more vulnerable allows people, especially Gabes, into what she's going through.

By letting people, such as family members and closest friends, in, they can lend a hand by watching our kids, relieving us from our parental duties every once in a while.

The Bottomline

Navigating these newborn days and the accompanying sleep deprivation can be incredibly challenging for any couple.

However, we believe these intentional strategies can help protect our marriage from the strain this season can bring.

We definitely don't want to be part of the 20% that breaks up within a year of welcoming a new child!

We remind ourselves that the lack of a good night sleep is temporary, and making permanent decisions based on temporary situations isn't wise.

Do you have any tips for new parents caring for a new baby? How can we practice good sleep hygiene during this season of our lives? Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section.

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