Marriage Problems: Things My Spouse Doesn't Understand About Me After 8 Years of Marriage
As we continue to celebrate our eighth anniversary as a married couple this month, we reflect on the journey leading here.
According to renowned psychologist Kurt Lewin, it's inevitable for couples to argue, and conflict resolution skills are essential to a successful marriage.
How did we get to our eighth year when our relationship has been filled with conflicts and differences along the way?
How do we navigate the common marriage problems in our daily lives when we have unique perspectives about our circumstances?
Vision, Direction, and Approach
One of our marriage problems revolves around our vision, direction, and approach to life.
Gabes is the kind of person who likes to dream big, set ambitious goals, and go after them with unwavering determination. He's a visionary, a leader, and someone who thrives on action and results.
Gabes believes that discipline and a laser-sharp focus are essential in fulfiling the dreams we both agreed on.
On the other hand, Anna approaches life with a bit more caution and thoughtfulness. While she believes in the essence of setting goals and working hard towards them, she also recognises the importance of flexibility, adaptation, and emotional processing along the way.
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power.”
For Anna, it's vital to surrender our desires to God and trust that all His plans for us will happen, and not do everything on our own strength.
This fundamental difference in our approaches often leads to disagreements and misunderstandings.
Gabes feels frustrated when he perceives Anna to be slowing down our progress or lacking commitment to our shared goals.
Meanwhile, Anna feels misunderstood and overwhelmed by what she perceives as his rigidness and lack of empathy for life's inevitable curveballs.
But despite these challenges, we've learned to appreciate and value each other's perspectives.
Gabes helps Anna stay focused and driven. Meanwhile, Anna helps Gabes pause, reflect, and consider the emotional aspects of our shared journey.
Together, we're finding a balance that allows us to pursue our goals with purpose and intentionality while prioritising our emotional well-being and harmony in our healthy marriage.
Criticisms and Considerations
Another area of contention in our marriage is Gabes' knack for zeroing in on the negatives in any situation, which Anna finds can dampen the mood sometimes.
It has been a point of frustration and growth for both of us over the years.
When we first met, Anna loved that about Gabes. His critical eye pushed her to grow, strive for excellence, and never settle for mediocrity. It was like having a built-in motivator within the relationship, constantly urging her to be better.
However, as time passed, Anna began to realise that Gabes' critical nature wasn't always constructive.
For Anna, there were moments when Gabes' words felt more like nitpicking than genuine encouragement. And things start to feel a bit tense in these moments.
Anna believes living with someone with a keen eye for spotting flaws can be both positively challenging and at times, exhausting.
For Gabes, his critical nature stems from a place of accountability. He believes in speaking up when something doesn't sit right with him.
So, Gabes expects the same level of self-reflection and accountability from Anna. If she does something wrong and offends him, he needs her to acknowledge it, take ownership, and apologise instead of brushing it off like nothing happened.
Gabes is right–– accountability is essential in any healthy relationship.
But sometimes, it feels like Gabes is quick to point out Anna's flaws without considering how his words might impact her. It's like he's so focused on calling out what's wrong that he forgets to recognise what's right.
Nevertheless, Gabes has been making an effort to dial back his criticism and focus more on words of affirmation. And it's making a significant difference in our marriage.
Surely, Gabes is still the same critical guy Anna fell in love with. But now, he's balancing it with a healthy dose of positivity.
Meanwhile, Anna is learning to take Gabes' critiques with a grain of salt and focus on the underlying message rather than getting caught up in the delivery.
For married couples like us, it's all about finding that middle ground where we can challenge each other to grow without tearing each other down and losing that emotional intimacy.
So, while this may be an ongoing area of contention in our married life, we're committed to working through it together.
High Expectations
You know, it's funny how high achievers like us can sometimes fall into the trap of setting unrealistic expectations for each other. We both expect nothing short of excellence and while that's great in theory, it can lead to some marriage problems.
Each of us constantly finds ourselves feeling like we're doing more than enough, only to realise that our expectations of each other are still sky-high. It's like we're in a never-ending game of one-upmanship, always striving to outdo each other when it comes to our contributions to the marriage.
Anna feels like Gabes has always expected her to bring her A-game to the table, holding her to a higher standard knowing she's capable of greatness.
However, sometimes, Gabes forgets to consider the weight of his expectations and how they might affect Anna.
Meanwhile, Anna occasionally feels like Gabes isn't fully supporting her despite his best efforts.
Both of us set unrealistically high expectations and fail to acknowledge the progress we're both making.
Now, we're both starting to realise that maybe, our expectations aren't as realistic as we once thought. Perhaps we're putting too much pressure on each other to be perfect when in reality, perfection is an impossible standard to meet.
Despite the challenges of being high achievers, we wouldn't have it any other way. But we also need to learn to cut each other some slack and show a little more grace in our marriage.
After all, we're only humans and we're bound to fall short from time to time.
So, as we continue on our marital journey, we're committed to reevaluating our expectations and finding a healthier balance to avoid creating unnecessary marriage problems along the way. We may not always get it right, but as long as we're willing to learn and grow together, we know we'll make it through.
The Bottomline
As a married couple, we believe in the power of open and honest communication, and what it can do to strengthen our emotional connection.
So, we try to have these conversations frequently. One of the things we often ask each other is, "Is there something you feel I'm failing to understand or appreciate that would help our marriage?"
This question has been helpful in our union, particularly in working our way through the marriage problems we encounter every day.
What kind of honest conversation do you have with your spouse to avoid marriage trouble or solve marriage problems? What are the things you wish your partner understood better about you? We'd love to hear your thoughts, so feel free to leave a comment below!
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